Nxdia: Figuring It Out in Real Time

Music

Nxdia doesn’t wait for things to make sense before writing about them. Lovemesick comes straight from the middle of it, not after the dust has settled, but while everything still feels a bit chaotic. There’s no attempt to tidy it up or turn it into something more palatable. Instead, it leans into the mess, the need for validation, staying longer than you should, pulling away when things get real. It’s honest without trying to be perfect. Speaking to them, that same energy carries through; open, self-aware, and still figuring things out as they go.

When you were making Lovemesick, were you writing during the middle of things or after it had already fallen apart? 

Definitely the middle of things. I think I was very much trying to see how it felt saying all of the weird things I wanted to say out loud. I wanted to delve into the validation of someone being fixated on you, thinking you’re the best person ever. Obviously, it’s shallow and toxic, and just a way of making sure I wasn’t the one to get hurt first, but it felt really fun to explore that rather than shy away from it.

Was there a moment in that relationship where you knew it wasn’t right, but stayed anyway?  

I know I’m an avoidant person, so I tend to overstay in relationships. I think naturally bad or uncomfortable or sad things happen, but instead of validating that, I tend to tell myself I’m being avoidant by wanting to pull away from that person. 

But now I think I’ve learnt that space is vital to making sure a relationship survives. It’s so important to be able to process things and work through them, rather than hoping that twisted-up, sour feeling in your gut goes away.

You’re really open in your music. Do you ever listen back and think, "I can’t believe I said that out loud"?  

Honestly, if you hear me talk day-to-day, you’ll realise I’m an over-sharer, and nothing is “too soon” story-wise. I’m lucky that a lot of strangers tend to open up to me. I know how good it can feel to get something off your chest, and I know that if I’m afraid or embarrassed to say something, then there’s someone else out there who probably needs to hear it.

Do you believe people can change their patterns in love, or do they just get better at understanding them? 

I really hope so! It’s hard because so much of it is guided by childhood examples of love and attachment, but I know friends of mine who’ve become secure, or even switched from avoidant to anxious or vice versa. I think you can genuinely change in any way you want to, so why not? 

How do you deal with people forming opinions about you based on such personal songs?  

I don’t think about it at all. If I listen to a song, I don’t think about the artist's character so much. I just think about how I can relate to it, or if I do at all. In the same way that I don’t think one or two actions can speak for someone’s entire character – good or bad – I explore these different feelings and share them because of the ways they help me understand myself. Not because of how I think other people will process it. I can’t control people, but I can try to be honest and connect and reach out to other people with their arms out.

Do you feel like you understand your patterns in love now, or are you still figuring them out?  

I understand myself really well, but I don’t think I know much about how to change the things I don’t like. Making the Lovemesick EP was great for holding a mirror up to myself and the ugly feelings that come up before, during and after a breakup. I know what I’m like, and I know how I feel when I’m becoming more detached, but I’m definitely still on the journey of trying to be better at not being an escape artist in love.

Switching between English and Arabic, does one feel more honest than the other when it comes to emotions?  

They both just feel like different parts of who I am, different integral core parts of me. Emotions and the words we use to describe them change dramatically between languages, and often a word or expression is way deeper than the translation you see of it: it’s more gendered, or the implication can be clearer.

I feel like it stretches different parts of my brain to see the language I use change an emotion when I describe it, and how the words differ in definition depending on the language I’m singing in.

What’s something you’ve had to unlearn about love or dating?  

That someone not being all over you is probably a really good thing, and that possessiveness isn’t necessarily understanding either. I’ve learnt that I really value loyalty, passion and more casual and everyday displays of love, but sometimes those qualities can disguise a toxic ownership people can develop over you. 

Understanding that passion isn’t really about how keen someone is, but how willing they are to understand you and figure out what they can give you as well. Not in terms of how they show love, but in terms of how you need to be shown love to believe it.

After everything this EP touches on, do you feel softer, harder, or just more aware of yourself? 

I feel like a big ball of goo, honestly. Relaxed, unburdened – I feel way more free and aware of how firm to be about my boundaries and knowing what I want. This EP feels like a big, floaty middle finger-shaped parcel to the emotions I once felt and any shame I had about feeling them. It is what it is, in a lovely, upbeat, wonky way.

What’s a question you wish you were asked more often, and what would your answer be?

Which gig I’d want to time-travel to and see live! Today it’s the Glastonbury set by Pulp in 1995 where they’re performing ‘Common People’. Or usually some variation of a Bowie or Prince show.

Lovemesick is out now

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLEIfP_CM-I

Photographer Lauren Cremer

Words by Philipp Raheem